My Diagnosis: It's google tranlated

[Ge****]

In connection to my last topic, "To be not neurotypical" I will give you an update. I wrote a blog with over 5000 words and won't translate it manually. This was my first topic:

 

Diagnosis - Dysthymia and APD: what now? sorting and enlightening

 

Important NOTE: I have researched everything to the best of my knowledge and belief and, above all, my own experience has been incorporated. Mental illnesses are as individual as people themselves. I ask you to bear that in mind when reading.

 

I've been reluctant to write a blog about my diagnostic situation lately. The last status for you was that I was looking for a diagnostician. I've written countless emails and also came close to shelling out a lot of money for a private practice.
But then a friend came up with “Hey. Look there. Maybe they still have room.” And I also wrote an e-mail there and then waited. A week and I was written to, they called and waited again.

Another phone call and then it happened in quick succession. I was immediately given an appointment for the screening and one for the diagnosis and then it was time to wait. I was a total bundle of nerves. As usual for me, I thought everything out. I imagined the worst scenarios. Not about the diagnosis. At least not the actual diagnosis itself. But rather …. that they find nothing and that I remain ignorant. The thought was hell.
And at some point the appointment came and unfortunately I had to go there alone, using public transport and was nervous as fuck. And in the end it was all very exhausting.

the screening

I had to look for the building first. The clinic was huge and the direct route to psychiatric diagnostics was blocked by a construction site (Welcome to Berlin). So I spent 30 minutes looking for it. Luckily I'm so paranoid that I always plan a lot more time for first-time visits.
So in the end I was half an hour early.
When it was finally my turn, I had to tell almost an hour. And tell. I talked about my childhood, my life, my relationships, jumping back and forth with nervousness. While I lost the thread umpteen times, I watched the psychologist write and write and write and listen.

She asked exactly one intermediate question. Then she enlightened me on a thing or two, raised a suspicion that I forgot when I left the room, and basically handed me a laptop on which I had to answer hundreds of questions. The actual screening has started.
The questions were strange. Mainly because at first they didn't really match the questions I asked myself. I tried to answer them patiently and then left after three quarters of an hour, totally exhausted.

The wait

It took 1.5 weeks from the screening to the result. And with each passing day it became somehow harder for me, who is already impatient, to stay patient and strong. Every day I was more exhausted. tired. perplexed?
I threw myself into a game, got the job done as best I could, indulged in some beef again. But I wasn't really happy with my overall situation.

My husband had to constantly listen to what was going through my head. My friends. Many other people. It helped deflate the head a bit. But the pressure sometimes came back faster than I could talk/write about it.
But in the end, and I had to admit it to myself, I had to wait. Whether I like it or not. And then the day came.

The diagnosis ... 

I went with a suspicion (which I will continue to investigate, but only after the move) and this suspicion was ... completely ruled out (I'll get a second opinion there) and I was after I had a few more questions who gave the diagnosis.

I suffer from dysthymia (more on that in a moment) and anxious-avoidant personality disorder (AVPD). She tried to explain to me in a very scientific way what it is and my only question was "And this since my earliest childhood?" And she said yes to the dysthymia.
My head refused to accept this at first. As I said before, I approached the whole thing with different expectations. After the conversation I went home and talked to my husband.

I've exchanged ideas with people a lot and, above all, collected a great deal of information and, now that I've endured the acceptance, I want to start clarifying things immediately. Mainly because I find that important and it also helps me to process things.
So let's start with something that hasn't existed since my childhood and that I can even define quite precisely for myself.

Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD)

Anxious-avoidant personality disorder is characterized primarily by the fact that one feels very inhibited, unattractive and inferior and avoids social contacts for fear of (especially negative) criticism or being ridiculed. They often feel incapable of representing their opinion and very often (as with dysthymia) have the problem that they lose themselves even more in these feelings of incompetence because they feel misunderstood.
People with AVPD tend to be quiet and withdrawn, even within groups, and they find it very difficult to say no because it could be interpreted negatively. For people with this diagnosis, social contact is very uncomfortable and eye contact is avoided as much as possible in many cases. When social contacts arise, those affected are usually very careful to keep their distance and tend to torment themselves through the conversation.

Above all, they often hold back on the flow of speech in (group) discussions. For me it really depends on the topic. The rest I would say, and I have to admit it to myself, actually fits … like Hati's fist on my eye.

Self-assessment APD

The origin of an APDcannot be fully deduced. There is a lot of speculation that it can also have genetic causes (which would not surprise me at all). In addition, negative influences play a very important role. But I don't want to rattle down Wikipedia or scientific writings.
But one thing in advance: APDoccurs in perhaps one percent of the world population and therefore there is very little therapy evidence. Most therapies manage to bring improvement, but do not really reach a normal level of social skills. Now let's really get to the self-assessment.

As a child I liked B. still hugs and physical contact. But that decreased slightly early on because I often felt rejected by my own family. So feelings that I have developed. In the course of my youth, that has already changed. I am still “liked” to go away, e.g. E.g. discos, clubs and such, but with as much freedom as possible for me.
In the end I would say that many negative experiences have ensured that the APDhas continued to worsen. It has apparently always been there and would probably be easier to treat if I had been diagnosed as a child.

I actually still feel the need to go to a club again. But I hate the crowds that are common in Berlin clubs and I would have to get there drunk to have any "fun". Or I would like to go to a pub or bar again. But the discomfort that this disease brings is like an impassable wall. Movie theater. Cinema always works.

I'm someone who distances himself because of this illness. This makes people think I'm arrogant or that I'm talking down to them. Mainly because I often avoid eye contact. But there are other reasons for that. If I do something, I want to do it well. I want to prove to myself and (primarily to others) that I can do things. It's a bit... like a compulsion that you can't escape.
Especially at work I was often told (after projects or presentations) that I came across as being condescending. But that is never (!) my intention. And I have often tried to work on it. And now I also know why it never really worked out to work on it. While you can at least try to maintain a certain social level in a normal conversation, it's more difficult (for me) with lectures, because you want to present your work, which you've put a lot of time and effort into, and something switches on in the head around.
You get more outspoken and often adopt a tone you don't intend and end up being... the arrogant asshole without even realizing it.

I've also forced myself to maintain eye contact for years, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. You know that: "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" And so. In addition, society considers it very impolite not to look the other person in the eye.
I don't know why, but Corona made me stop forcing myself. I look at someone for a few seconds and then either look past them or pretend to look for something. Or I would do something “important”. Just so people don't see it as rude. I... just don't like it.

In the end, the APDexplains a lot in my life. But how do you explain it to other people? And especially those who come up with sentences like “Just socialize more. You'll get used to it." Corrosive. I hate that.
And that in combination with what's coming now, it's like winning the lottery. Only … without a payout.

Dysthymia - high-functioning depression

Similar to APD, this diagnosis is not very common. Around 1.5% of the world's population are diagnosed with it each year. Approximately 3-15% of this is in the USA alone.
Depending on when it is recognized, dysthymia is a largely treatment-resistant psychological disorder. Therapy and medication can bring about an improvement, but this is rarely the case and unfortunately a cure is almost impossible (depending on whether you ask a medical specialist or a homeopath). And the most tragic thing about it: it is chronic. But more on that in a moment.

In addition, improvement also depends on when it is diagnosed. It's more successful when it's a kid than it is... my age or even later. The symptoms of dysthymia are seen by those affected as "I'm just like that" and also internalized. Correspondingly, pathways are created in the brain that also store this feeling permanently...?
There is also evidence (which unfortunately only takes women into account because the disease occurs more frequently in women than in men) that patients with dysthymia have a different form of certain brain structures than mentally healthy people.
In the end that means: an improvement is possible, for a cure I would need a new brain. Exaggerated of course. In the end it's something you live with and have to come to terms with, and you have to appeal to your fellow human beings to accept it.
do you know that

"Are you in a bad mood?"

"Just smile?"

"Get out in the sun for a bit. Then you'll feel better!"

"A little optimism couldn't hurt you."

Especially the bad mood question and that with the smile ensures that at some point it occurs reflexively. You smile because you see someone. You smile because it's expected in certain situations. Similar to eye contact. You force yourself to do it.
Dysthymia is... persistent depression. Although it is weaker than most other depressions, the duration is often several years or, in my case... forever.

People with dysthymia have very low self-esteem, are often exhausted, have very poor sleep, and very little energy and happiness. Even everyday activities don't make you cheer up or anything. It's like a permanent state of sadness. That would be to put it very simply.
Those affected with dysthymia often have the following characteristics (thanks to Psych2Go DE on YT for a simplified explanation in a video) and unfortunately all of them apply to me. I will also explain my behavior on the individual points:

1. Worries about time
   My husband can sing a song about how often I complain about not having time and how everything I do ends up being a waste of time. This is very pronounced for me and there is very little that I don't see as a waste of time. This blog e.g. B. I claim that with this content I can contribute to the enlightenment of many people.
   But in general, no matter what I do, I see it as a waste of time. Even sleeping is a waste of time for me. If not the biggest.
2. Self-criticism
   Affected people criticize EVERYTHING they do. I'm z. B. a person who tries things out. Again and again. But I criticize myself so harshly that I hardly get anything done. Or even finish it.
   It comes from the feeling of not being good enough. Not being what you hope/expect of yourself. This drives many of those affected to unhealthy limits. I'm actually one of those people who just drop things (fortunately, let me say this).
3. Thinking everything through
   . I've been told this so many times and I often say it to others. But in my case it is very, very good: I think about something for so long, no matter how useful it is, or not that it robs me of my sleep.
   For example, when Hati first came here, I panicked myself so much that I imagined myself barricaded in the bedroom even before he arrived. “What if… and then if…”. These are trains of thought that create a vortex that is almost impossible to get out of.
4. Feelings of misunderstanding
   In the video by Psych2Go DE, this is broken down very much into the illness. But it is actually a general problem for those affected. One often and quickly feels misunderstood or misunderstood. Be it in conversations or in actions. I have that e.g. B. more often at work. I explain my view of something and run into blocks or I am made to understand (perhaps unintentionally) that my thinking is wrong.
   That makes you withdraw even further at some point. Especially in connection with the APD. But more on that later.
5. The Sea of Sadness
   As a dysthymic sufferer, you are sad most of the time, or almost always in severe cases. While with most other types of depression you can say "The last time I was sad was every now and then" it's more like saying "I don't remember being happy" with people with dysthymia.
   For me, since I can't remember either, it's like "The last time I was happy was on ... because." It is a never-ending sadness, sometimes weaker, sometimes stronger. A .. grumpy mood that won't go away no matter what you do.
6. Unhealthy coping Sick
   people naturally try to come to terms with their lives and their (often still unconscious) illness. Nevertheless, those affected try to switch off their heads somehow. As a result, many sufferers become addicted to alcohol or drugs.
   I have a disturbed (but not pathologically disturbed) eating behavior during worse phases. So-called overappetite. I want greasy food and that's what I do. Also in the knowledge that I have a bad conscience afterwards because I ate greasy food again. It has become less. But unfortunately I can't turn it off completely.
   But the opposite can also be the case. underappetite. Some sick people stop eating. This over a long period of time, which can also be very unhealthy and even lead to worse diseases.

Of course, there are more unhealthy coping methods. However, I have limited myself to those that are most common or concern me.

7. Unhealthy pastimes
   For sufferers, activities such as watching series, burying themselves in games seem perfectly normal. Just like all the other points mentioned. After all, they live their lives like everyone else.
   It is their flight from reality that makes life so difficult for them. And most importantly, they try to escape the disease a little. It may seem unhealthy to others. For those affected, however, it is a means of not falling into even deeper depressions.

It was well described in the video: Sick people often feel numb and sometimes as if they don't fit into the world because others don't. Others laugh, rejoice, fall in love. And in the end, only the veil remains for those affected, which makes us sad.

Associated with dysthymia, as previously mentioned, are (everything in my case) increased appetite, trouble sleeping, fatigue and low energy, decreased self-confidence, reduced ability to concentrate (which in my case gets worse the less interested I am), and difficulty making decisions and last but not least often long-lasting hopelessness or pessimism.

This is normal …

I thought. I really thought what I am was normal. My whole life. And so it is with many sufferers. When it comes to depression, people always thought of these classic descriptions. death unhappy. Often with a tendency to suicide. I hadn't expected that my permanently depressed mood would really be a clinical picture.
"I am so." I always thought so, and in the end it is. I am like this and in the end I will stay like this. In the end, Roswitha turned out to be a really existing disease without knowing it beforehand.

I also found a few sufferers of dysthymia and I wanted to quote you something that I find very … appropriate in retrospect, especially related to Roswitha.

“Yeah, absolutely right…. Dysthymia is a real bitch. Because it's always there, but lets you "Somehow, just about, but never fulfilling or even happy."

Additionally, this quote also pretty aptly describes what dysthymia is all about. never to be happy. But what is all this together? I tell you.

double depression

Dysthymia rarely comes alone. It often occurs together with another psychological clinical picture. The interesting thing is, it can be anything. And that's why every dysthymia is somehow unique.
There are days in a year when I can't get up. And even if I make it, I'm then e.g. B. glued to the couch. Nothing could make me do anything these days. I feel weak, useless, unable to do anything.

Then one speaks of a double depression. The APDcan indeed be episodic and at the end and in connection with the dysthymia can cause a total knockout.
There are years when this happens more often and then there are years when it only happens once or maybe twice. This is also a time when one feels infinitely empty. Not the emptiness I usually wish for because my head is overloaded. But an uncomfortable emptiness. Helplessness hits me pretty well, I think.

Rarely, at least for me, does it happen that it takes a longer period of time. My husband also struggles a bit with me because I'm generally listless. And I'm always particularly sorry when we then e.g. B. do something, and I'm rather unsympathetic.
And I'm always afraid that this will change something. job loss e.g. B., or that my partner(s) turn away from me. It ends up being a flood of all the fears I've talked about before.

I also took the trouble once and created a graphic, which was also shown to me in a less beautiful way, to clarify the whole thing for you:

thegreen: The line represents the mood of a mentally healthy person. Sometimes you're in a good mood, sometimes you're not. An up and down with no significant peaks down.

theRedLine is the average depression, as it is often described. You have a course like that of a mentally healthy person, but it goes down episodically.
As mentioned above, these people can often pinpoint when they have been depressed.

theblue-turquoiseLine would be a dysthymia sufferer. A permanent gloomy mood with no upward improvement.

And thepurpleLine is... Gerry. This is then a double depression as described above. You always move in the depression and fall into a hole episodically, only to end up in the permanent depression again at the end. There's no way straight up.

 

while e.g. B. Jokes ensure that people can be amused by them for a while, it is a little different with dysthymia sufferers (especially from my own experience): I z. B. can laugh me to death. I can find things hilarious. But that doesn't cheer me up at all. I'm back in my gloom within moments of laughter.
And from experience I can say... it's hell. This combination also ensures that small changes in familiar situations throw me off track. I have a small example for this:
At work, we work with so-called backends. So desktops where we can do many things. Once an input window was moved. To the right edge of the screen. It blew my mind one day (and I tried my best not to show it). And it took me over a week to get used to it. And it was exhausting.

And in the end there is no way out. My combination in particular is really … bad (personal feeling). Both are difficult to treat and cannot be cured. This means …. oh I'll get to that later. But please believe me when I say I hit the jackpot. But I'm sure others fare even worse.
But there is more.

The samples

I once got a funny saying in a different context. But I convert it a bit and pass it on to you.

“It's like this with the special issues: It's like being in a perfumery. You buy your depression illnesses and get other little problems as samples in the bag.”

At the end, the following flows into the dysthymia. I have increased impulsiveness compared to the average human. This ensures, among other things, that I quickly get upset and mentally get up to 180 very quickly. This is (for me) very difficult to control.
In addition, it also takes a lot of strength to keep this impulsiveness in check. Especially when I feel misunderstood and people don't make an effort to understand me.

I think I've philosophized enough about my fears and even made huge projects out of them, so I'll just skip that part.
A great deal of insecurity in social contact is also one of these little tests. There are actually moments for me where I think, “Are you really texting this person? Would she even be interested in a conversation?”. And only digitally. In real life it's even worse.

Other problems such as B. understanding other people (especially facial expressions and gestures) are also present. Or the rendering of one's own inner being to third parties. This also applies to communicating in an understandable way. I'm often bold, forward-thinking and, at least I'm often given the feeling, ambiguous.
In the end... I could have done without these samples.

How does it go from here?

After the diagnosis I was advised to see a therapist. With emphasis on the fact that this / r has a license to practice medicine. Funny. I almost had to laugh. It's hard to find therapists at all. Finding a therapist is more like looking for a needle... in 20 haystacks. At least in Berlin.
But I know that I won't do that again in Berlin. We have decided to move this year. And I don't want to put myself through the stress of searching and any therapy per se and having to move with me. Afterwards the boys have to do everything themselves because I can't get up. I'm so scared of this exact situation.

In addition, it would be pointless to start therapy here and then start all over again in six months. It's already... very stressful. If it was up to me, I would take some time off. Sleep in (although it's a waste of time, I seem to need it).
My energy balance is currently absolutely in the basement. It all cost a lot. The dysthymia is already very energy gluttonous (she is an energy whore). The last few weeks have been exhausting. And the last few days have sucked me dry.
And I also dedicated myself to the beef and now this blog with thousands of words. I'm just done.

But I'll see if I'm more motivated to draw. Because when I was actively drawing, everything was a little better. I'm trying to optimize my setting a bit to counteract the displeasure and my own laziness.
I'll definitely see a therapist at some point, but I've planned other paths for now.

The positive side of the coin

Much of what is bad often comes with a positive side, which comes to light when you network with people who have similar or even deeper problems. Especially with diagnoses.
I have a very strong sense of justice (which sometimes kicks a little...too intensely). Discrimination, disadvantage and such are a red rag for me, which I jump at in 99% of all cases. Like an angry bull.

I no longer have to be ashamed of being "ungrateful," "rude," or "antisocial." In the end (and while that sounds like a cheap excuse), it's not my fault. And I've now taken two days to understand that.
Of course, the shame will never end. But it doesn't have to make me feel any worse than I already feel. I had given the monster a name in my head. Roswitha. And now the monster has a shape too. And that's reassuring.

I finally have a tool to educate people who have issues with me. I can say “Hey. This is due to the following reason…”. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier. I will have the same problems and challenges in the future as I do now.
But I can work better with it now. And I solidified other choices. Met new ones and I hope my own urge to drift off into doing nothing doesn't get in the way. It has been very… present in recent years.

And what is perhaps also important … Due to the illness, of course I (was) the perfect victim of bullying. I was also able to recognize a lot for myself. However, that does not justify bullying. And never will. But... let's be honest: I was easy prey. But still …

past contacts

First of all: You don't need to have a guilty conscience. You didn't know. I did not know it. Nobody knew. But I can close some "files" now. I've often asked myself why people left my life. Especially the APDexplains a lot.
There are two subtypes in the APD. And I've done both. I used to be pliable-exploitable. I felt taken advantage of by others or was even taken advantage of, which explains the current problem. Because I was blind to those signs.

I think it has accompanied me for 25 years to belong to exactly this type. By now I would say I've become the "cool-aloof" subtype. I've become very suspicious. Especially if you want things from me.
I don't know if it's common to iterate over both subtypes. That's the way it is with me.

People (including very important people who I somehow even still miss) have often turned their backs on me because I'm always so negative. Because I tend to look at everything grey-black instead of white.
Because I push forward with my negative thoughts. Because people couldn't accept that dark spot called Gerry in their lives anymore. I even understand that now. Although I continue to believe that toxic positivity is a big problem.

There are one or two contacts that I think it would be nice to re-establish and maybe people understand that that's who I am and that can't be changed in the blink of an eye, and maybe never. But I don't believe in it.
In addition, the wrong people will also feel addressed by it. So if I don't answer you... you don't belong.

What doesn't help? Now how do we deal with this?

"I'm sorry for you" ... It's allowed. But... it doesn't help. Expressing sympathy when you don't understand something only serves to make you feel better. It doesn't help those affected at all and in the end you feel bad (in my case at least) because you might have even made someone sad.
Also, trying to impose things like positivity or hope is totally unhelpful. This combination of diseases almost does not allow you to absorb hope and positivity. Or even perceive. And no matter how hard a person tries to instill confidence in a hopeful future, it's more likely to result in... reducing and ending the conversation, or in the case of sustained PA, the contact.

I've always tried to avoid that. So cut off contact. This often took care of itself (see last section). As hard as it sounds: In view of the facts regarding treatability, let alone a cure, there is no hope. Or I don't see them and I can't either.
You're welcome to have hope. Nobody forbids you that. But don't force it on me (and possibly other sufferers you meet). This is a waste of time and energy. Mutually.

Also, forcing someone to do something (for example, saying that you should seek treatment immediately) is counterproductive. I have my pace. I want to set my own pace. The "readiness" to do something has to come from me. I have to make the decision to start therapy. to practice a sport. to find a hobby. And and and.
I must not be denied the right to make my own decisions on this particular issue.

And now?

I've done a lot now. In recent years I have tackled many things that were put off for years. I've built up a small but fine group of friends. I changed my name. Official with certificate. And now I have a diagnosis.
But now... I'm tired. And somehow I have to manage to gather enough energy in my head for what's still to come. The move first.

I would like to let myself rest for now. Spending time with my family and friends. The subject itself will come up many more times in these contacts. And I hope that you all understand that. But I don't want to press any further for changes. i need a break

I will read more about the two diseases. Educate myself to maybe find ways to explain it more easily. I'll learn to deal with it. And above all, I will try to approach those around me in a reasonable manner in order to explain and clarify this.
I have two diseases that cannot be seen. Externally I am healthy (perhaps a bit too fat). Oh well. Except for little things like my acne or my eczema. But you'll never see my head. The chaos. The fears. The perpetual darkness.

I will keep getting up. Carry on doing my steps. No matter how many times I fall. I will live with the diseases and continue to fight my life until maybe one day I can't anymore. And I should be aware of that, and so should my family: it can happen at some point.
And it's up to my family and friends if they want to continue with me. You see a Gerry who is grumpy. You like (or hate) him. And now you also know that I'm sick. In the head. With ailments that many people think a little sunshine could cure. Or even refuse to accept them.

If you have questions: ask. If you want to talk to me about it, talk to me. Thanks. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me so much over the past few weeks.

Gerry

 

[Ge****]

Additionally I want you show up three very helpful youtube videos:

 

 

 

[su****]

First of all, thanks for sharing.
Some of the symptoms apply to me too. 
In my school time I was something of a nerd. So I felt inferior too and I didn't spend much time with other people, even though I got some friends.
I rarely say no, because I'm helpful until someone shows me, he/she doesn't  deserve it.

 

I think, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of humility.

 

1 hour ago, Gerry said:

Anxious-avoidant personality disorder is characterized primarily by the fact that one feels very self-conscious, unattractive and inferior

Self-conscious and inferior? How can one feel both at the same time?

To me, it depends on the field and on whom I compare with.

[Ge****]

5 minutes ago, suedseefrucht said:

Self-conscious and inferior? How can one feel both at the same time?

To me, it depends on the field and on whom I compare with.

As I said: It's google translated. 

German: Eine Ängstlich-vermeidende Persönlichkeitsstörung zeichnet sich primär dadurch aus, dass man sich selbst sehr gehemmt, unattraktiv und minderwertig fühlt ....

English should be: Anxious-avoidant personality disorder is characterized primarily by the fact that one feels very inhibited, unattractive and inferior....

Sometimes translators doing weird things. I'll correct it in the main text.

[Tine]

@Gerry Thank you for adding the videos too. Though I read the text the videos recap some important info - it's a bit like the good educator at school who would repeat things at the end for better understanding and remembering. 🙂

 

I can relate to some aspects but the whole picture of it is truly overwhelming to even imagine.

 

Here's a though I had. Knowing what's going on and educating around it as you do is useful as people have the tendency to make everything about themselves. So if you aren't happy around them they might take that as a sign that you don't like them, they did something wrong or whatever self-critical thoughts humans come up with.

Letting go of that might help to ease those relationships.

[Ge****]

1 hour ago, Tine said:

So if you aren't happy around them they might take that as a sign that you don't like them, they did something wrong or whatever self-critical thoughts humans come up with.

Letting go of that might help to ease those relationships.

To letting got of that is not ... so easy. It's burned inside me. It's part of the sympthoms to beeing hardly self-critical. Additionally: "All things you doing are timewasted". 
First of all I#ve to learn the the biggest part of my laziness, self critical behavior, and fears are an illness. And this... will be very hard, because my whole life it was a normal state for me.

[su****]

39 minutes ago, Gerry said:

"All things you doing are timewasted"

You will have to define a waste of time by yourself.
If people tell you, your are wasting your time by doing something you like, they are wrong, because it makes you happy. And making yourself happy is never a waste of time.

[Ge****]

12 minutes ago, suedseefrucht said:

If people tell you, your are wasting your time by doing something you like, they are wrong, because it makes you happy

The problem of the dysthymia is, you are not feeling happiness. And all you do is time wasting. 
I don't care about "Time waste" quotes of others. I never did because my point of view is the same like yours. Do what makes you happy.

But in my case, and in the case of other sick people, there is a wall of dark clouds mostly anytime. We do things ... to do something.

[Tine]

1 hour ago, Gerry said:

my laziness

A question that comes to mind having read all that is: Are you really lazy or is this the self criticism, perceived time wasting speaking?

[Ge****]

3 hours ago, Tine said:

A question that comes to mind having read all that is: Are you really lazy or is this the self criticism, perceived time wasting speaking?

I lazy. But the most laziness is listlessness and this is, sadly, a part of the both diagnostics
I asked my whole life why I won't doing things, or why isn't important to make household or or or. Now I know it. It's because the listlessness which is the result of the lower energy I have :(

[su****]

I don't like making the household too, but I do it anyway and at least I like the result.
So I don't think you should blame the disease for everything. This would demotivate you even more, because you think, it's predetermined.

Giving symptoms a name and calling them a disease can be helpful if there are known antidotes.

But knowing about a disease can also make you feel sick, which can have a negative impact on you.

So my lifestyle is like: When I feel pain, I go to the doctor, but otherwise I'm healthy.

[Ge****]

56 minutes ago, suedseefrucht said:

I don't like making the household too, but I do it anyway and at least I like the result.
So I don't think you should blame the disease for everything.

Small tipp: Be careful with shoutouts like this. I know, noone like doing household. But often just to *searching for example* think to do the dishes is very exhausting (as I said in my last comment: The deseases are fault for permanent low level energy) and little later I don't have the energy just to stand up to do it. 
Or I stand up, go to the kitchen, and the big monster hand of listlessness grabbing me. 

States like "Don't blame your desease for everything" are completely ... inappropriate. I blamed myself 36 years long because I didn't understood why I'm so lazy or energyless and fight with myself like "You have to do the dishes! NOW!". 

To be real: Since I know the diagnoses I feel a bit ... "better". Or otherwise: I feel less shameful for myself. 

addendum: A friend of mine outet herself as dysthymia patient too. We had a very clear talk about her life. And she has the same problems doing household... and she have to force herself so much because she has two children.

[su****]

Talking about diseases is always a bit tricky. So just in case my comment offended you, I'm sorry.
What you might have understood was: "I don't believe your disease is a real thing. Pull yourself together and get stuff done."
What I meant was: "It's easy to blame things on a disease and to use a disease as an excuse. So there is a danger to put oneself into a cage of surrender, where one stops to even try things. And I would not like you to give up."

 

Talking to like-minded people fighting the same problems is always a good idea.