How to forgive someone

[Ga****]

I'm really struggling to forgive my daughter's father. It is affecting my overall happiness although I am better this last day of 2019 than I was in the spring. Just as a primise, he cheated on me with a friend of his. Made future plans with her all bc they were in love....while telling me he wanted our family back together. A few months later he told her he just wanted to be friends again nothing more. She moved to "our city" (for school, she had already enrolled) we just moved to the year before 9 hours away from where we are all from. They still moved in together "as friends" but he still wants his family together. He chose to do this because we now had a lot of issues regarding this, to focus on ourselves, and strengthen our relationship/bond/friendship. Without discussing it with me btw. I have tried to forgive him but for me I feel like he  abandoned his child and me. I feel like given any opportunity he will leave us in the future if it benefits him. Oh, i left a very important part out. He moved really close to his new job, doesn't have a car. The more I look back at our 6 year relationship. The more i realize he has always made selfish decisions like this. I have tried to forgive him for myself and our family. I began my spiritual journey in October 2019 so not that long ago but I feel like a new person. Positive thoughts and focusing on my emotions. But its this aspect of my life I revert back to sadness and resentment. I have been practicing Law of Attraction lately. Abraham Hicks but with this subject I seem to not be able to find a better feeling place. Is it possible I'm not supposed to forgive him? Or he is just a part of my life that was a learning experience? Am I missing an important lesson in forgiving? How do you forgive someone you love when you think they purposefully and selfishly hurt you? I realize we are the creator of our own lives and 2019 was this way to teach me things. Now that I realized I am still hurt and carry so much resentment maybe I missed the lesson. My 2020 will be better I know this for I will make it so but this feeling I have to let go. (Ahh sounds like a song right there ?) feeling better just expressing myself and not arguing abt this. Sry for the novel. Hope someone reads this and has some advice. If not, I do in fact feel better.

[Te****]

Forgiveness is a process. You can't just say I forgive you and it be so. There are stages just like grief. The answers will come in times of reflection. Meditate for understanding on why he still has this affect in your life. Only when you understand where its coming from will you be able to completely let it go. As far as it affecting your daily happiness...keep your mind focused. Control your mind or it will control you. Just a lil insight from my own experience.

[Ga****]

Thank you Teddy, I have been talking abt meditation for a few wks. I really appreciate your advice. 

[Calvin77]

Hi Gabrielle. Happy new year! We have an article on forgiveness which you may find useful: https://www.happiness.com/en/magazine/relationships/how-to-practice-forgiveness/

[xe****]

Forgiveness does not mean condoning his actions or saying that what he did was ok. It just means you get to move on from the anger and not let it destroy you. You are perfect the way you are. Don’t let the events spoil your groove. And my apologies if you didn’t want advice. I hear what you are saying.

Edited January 1, 2020 by xenspirit

[Candy]

From the time I was 8 years old until about 19, I was beaten by my father on a near-weekly basis. It was the worst part of growing up, and it affected me in very many ways. I blamed my mother for continuing to take him back after beating us to a pulp over and over again, and hated her too. As I got older, I began to see my parents as human beings who have pasts, and I realised that they too must have been brought up in horrendous conditions. It was then that forgiveness came to me. I realised that my father was raised in that way, which made it the only way he knew how to raise his own children. I also realised that he was often provoked by my mother. 

Although I don't think what they did was ok, I do know that if they had known better, things would've been different. Today, my father is the one man I look up to the most. He's changed into a loving, calm and open-minded individual, and I don't think it would be this way if I had continued to hate him and shut him out. By not forgiving my dad, I wasn't only making my family suffer, but I was the one suffering the most. Now I'm a lot happier and my family dynamic has changed for the better. In fact, we get along really really well and I have an amazing relationship with my parents. Most of the time ?

I don't think it is ever any human being's intention to purposefully hurt another unless they are really hurt and wounded themselves. There's this little saying that goes "Hurt people hurt people". Maybe your guy is also just very unconsciously living through past hurt. As @xenspirit so nicely said, forgiveness allows you to move away from the anger and suffering it's causing you, without condoning his behaviour.

I don't really have advice to give, but I will say follow and listen to your heart. In the most quiet moments, when the mind ceases its chatter and control, all the answers are there. We just have to tune in and listen. Really listen. ✨

[Ha****]

There’s a book called forgive for good by fred luskins and a several YouTube talks by him. The book helped me a lot when it comes to forgiving and letting go.

i too frequently listen to abe hicks. But when it comes to forgiveness, fred luskins helped me the most. 

Forgiveness isn’t about the other person, it’s about you. It’s about taking care of yourself so you don’t suffer. 

And I agree with above, it’s a process. More I practice, better I get at it.

[Ga****]

Thank u all for the advice and sharing your own experiences. I really appreciate it and will try these practices. You are all amazing, glad i found this site!

[Fl****]

Hi I just joined today. I can totally relate to your experience.a bit different though, similar feelings of resentment, not being able to properly forgive him or myself and a lot of uncertainty regarding my future. I’ve found that my biggest hurdle is properly letting go and acceptance. I didn’t make a choice to leave him, although maybe I should have. And I still love him or who I thought he was. Very confused. My children are all grown up and my youngest has just moved out. I was a very young mum having had my first child at 16 yrs. . My ex partner was not the father of my children, we had been together for 15 years. Mostly very good years, I think. I was a very accommodating partner who was always available emotionally and sexually. Leading up to his cheating I had helped him to get a new job, created the best resume for him, researched the position and fully supported him with positive energy and praise. When he got the job, he was working away a lot, staying in motels and earning a lot more money than we had ever had. He grew distant and started lying about where he was, when he had to work and wouldn’t answer the phone. So I went into full on Detective mode (which is not like me) and found that he had endless online dating profiles, was a member of hookup sites and had more recently been having very young call girls (paying for sex) in his various motel rooms while he was away working. I realised the dating profiles and hookup sites were going on for over 5 years!!! I am with you on the journey of forgiving which is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to try to do. I think even harder is acceptance and not blaming myself or feeling stupid for not realising. Also feeling stupid for still loving him and not being angry, but I am just sad that I believed his words and thought he was an honest man and that he would be able to talk about this with me before he cheated. On reflection there were warning signs here as well. You’re right, it does feel better to get it all out. Here’s to acceptance, forgiveness and moving forward with happiness and self love in 2020. Good luck with everything ?

[Ab****]

It is idea of forgive someone that we should have for someone

[Ra****]

Forgiveness sounds to me like it’s omnipotent. What works for me is not blaming the person or situations for disturbing my peace but accepting them for whatever harshness I feel was done onto me

[cr****]

hi dear... forgiveness must be in our ethical mind but still one cant forgive all people and situations . Depends how much damage done to you. Still once decided to forgive doesn't mean you forget awareness and be ignorant of the real facts. your forgiveness was your karma and his being selfish again would be his . So just dont focus much on this ..rather take it as a learning lesson and move forward with positive new hopes in life. 

love and light

[Guest User]

I just joined this and this is the first thing I saw. I'm in a terrible situation. I met my ex and I thought we were so in love. We even talked about how great our relationship was. And then one day he just said he didnt want to be in a relationship. He told me he loved me, initiated the relationship, when I was struggling finding a job he moved me in with him, integrated his children... he told me while I was trying to find work that he didnt want to see me in a meaningless job and to focus on my art. And then, boom, just over. I'm still living with him cause I had nowhere else to go and he is already seeing someone else. I found a job, finally, and it's a pretty good job. And am hoping to be out this next week. But I'm having a hard time not becoming resentful. I'm just confused as to how someone can just turn so quickly.

[No****]

Sammy Jo, I would like to be right with you virtually as we we may not be able to face one another and see into each others eyes. But we can be present. I know your pain pretty much. As you described the same thing happened to me almost 1 year ago on 1st April. Forgiveness may and will come, but there is an order of things that must be attended to first. What you have experienced has been trauma. I offer my time to you to listen and be a resource for you to draw strength from this connection as suits your needs. Everyone the first thing to give anyone who has experienced trauma is the resources of loving kindness, lots of it for as long as they need. Trauma overwhelms us and it takes time to reintegrate and feel whole. But Sammyjo I am hear and will listen if you wish. Of course you do whatever feels like it is enriching the aliveness in you. But forgiveness after trauma is not the first step. Healing comes first. Self compassion, self love. It is so so painful what you have been presented with. It cuts like a knife in our emotions and thoughts. You can explore these feelings safely with us it is important that this happens so that you can let these feelings go with acceptance again this is deep self compassion. You are perfect just as you are, you have done nothing wrong this is how it is and you will get through this there is the other side beyond this. You will thrive I promise you.

[No****]

There is a beautiful method in the book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He grew up surrounded by family and community that practice Toltec Wisdom that advocates freedom from limiting beliefs. Forgiveness is an act of self love. When you forgive yourself, self acceptance begins and self-love grows. That is supreme forgiveness - when you finally forgive yourself. Today in this moment, send all the love in your heart to yourself and those who need your forgiveness. Forgiveness is a great way to give love to yourself - and to other people. As soon as our healing opens our hearts you must forgive those who hurt you even if what they did to you is unforgiveable in your mind. You will forgive them not because the deserve to be forgiven but because you don't want to suffer and hurt yourself every time you remember what they did to you. Forgiveness is the act that heals the emotional wounds. We can forgive we have just learned not to forgive, because we practiced not to forgive and we have mastered it.

[ma****]

Practice constantly the Hawaiian prayer of Ho'oponopono: " I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you, Thank you!" ;-) Smiles!

[No****]

On 3/3/2020 at 4:22 AM, marislopez said:

Practice constantly the Hawaiian prayer of Ho'oponopono: " I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you, Thank you!" ;-) Smiles!

I learned a little about Ho'oponopono last year. When I discovered that due to the interventions of social brainwashers, sorry did I say that out loud I mean school teachers who encouraged me to vest the administration of my life and awareness in the custody of my mind. Essentially a long, interesting but altogether misleading education of rules, heirachy, customs, discrimination, bias, evasion, exploitation, and so much emphasis on the past and future have me the credentials to go out into the world not as myself but an eager conditioned young man oscillating between egoic survival, subconsciousness, and other parts that apparently could work but either I belong to a species whose default existence was to walk around like a high spec car and in my whole life I would use about 20% of its potential if the test results showed signs of genius. Determined to make the most out of my life I sought purpose and willingly offered my body and intellect to enterprises who had a trajectory that was a fit with areas I was interested in. Not passionate, I never found passion in education because I do not posses a passion to conform. 

Long story short some years of decent traction and headway culminated in work at an advertising agency. Where quite simply all sense of purpose that is enhancing life and enriching lives was a stackable offence. I managed to remove myself after getting embroiled in narcissistic envy, highly manipulative nepotism and carried on arguing with them until I prevailed in the condition that I take all details of how I wounded false pride to the grave with me. I drifted anxiously trying to blend in with the public at large but found little that inspired me to destroy another hectare of the natural world, squeeze yet more endangered creatures into oblivion or choke the oceans satisfying people who no longer eat at tables with bird feed thar doesn't leave you with guilt other than the single use plastic lying in your hand. 

 

Where was I Ho'oponopono yes I discovered one of the most joyful looking declarations ever written down when it was suggested. That my block from purpose being the result of the Irish Sandwich switch that happened at school when our minds were issued the keys to our Kingdom. And there sat a brain on a throne ordering the now out of order system in directions another aspect of me had no place to be. The advice was direct and swift. That brain of yours enjoying making all the decisions is an imposter and not sovereign of you. No the brain is your servant and not all that trustworthy at best. The mind is but a whisk to beat your eggs a utensil a guage that informs the master of his regions and lands. 

It took some time to sink in, and more yet to wrestle the temporary regent in waiting before the true I, the still vast one returned and restored order and synchronicity to the system, we began mostly unlearning the doctored propoganda that was veneered into memory keeping an archive but deleting the conditioning to clear the outward apertures to receive in the present. 

Ho'oponopono forgiveness, and a sign of right intention whenever it is heard written and thought. 

[Sa****]

Check the work of Byron Katie, she's amazing!

[No****]

7 hours ago, SangeetaPK said:

Check the work of Byron Katie, she's amazing!

Thank you