Learning how to say 'no'

[Li****]

I read the latest article about uncomfortable truths, and I realized I definitely try to avoid situations where I could possibly create an uncomfortable situation.

 

I find it so hard to say 'no' or possibly create conflict (#aquarius) and I'm a bit of a people pleaser who tends to prioritize the feelings or happiness of others before my own. 

Do you have any advice on how to get better at prioritizing your happiness and saying 'no' (or 'yes'!) even when it might make things uncomfortable? 

[huma]

Oh, I need that advice too! Sometimes I don't even tell my friends that something they did or said bothered me and I feel that frustration lives inside of me for days and I try to kill it myself! Definitely not a healthy habit! I really liked the article and since I read it I keep trying to encourage myself to take it as an example.

[Tine]

I can very much relate to that, and I struggle with this as well. Though not as much as I used to.

Something that helped me is to be able to respond rather than react. I got better at that due to meditation. Of cause, it doesn't always work, and then I play nice and inside I am boiling, or I keep ruminating for days if not weeks, but all in all I feel like I am more myself.

In my opinion, one of the keywords here is boundaries. And to set healthy boundaries, I need to get to know myself better. What is important to me, what isn't and where and how can I compromise.

Brene Brown is excellent in talking about being brave and vulnerable at the same time because strangely enough, these two go together. This question at first isn't about vulnerability but bravery. In my experience, though it is scary and vulnerable to be brave enough to speak up, go against the expectations, risk not to be liked, expose your feeling and all of that.

Maybe you find as much wisdom and comfort in her talks and books as I did:

She also has a talk on Netflix now: "The call to courage". Highly recommended. I laughed, cried and learned. :-)

[An****]

We sometimes say YES to please others but do we really need to do that ? When we are not able to fulfill that YES, it affects the relationship with people. We should be bold enough to say NO when its a NO.

[Pa****]

Totally agree

[De****]

I was given some very good advice on how to say no that has worked really well for me for years.  I never say yes immediately unless an immediate answer's needed. To give myself time to decide whether it's something that appeals to me or not I respond with something like, "That sounds interesting, I'll give it some thought and let you know" and find out when they need to know.  This gives me time to mull over whether I really want to do it and how to turn them down.  We often feel bad for saying no but the advice I was given is to see it as opening up an opportunity for someone else to step into.  Much better all round if someone happy and willing gets involved.  It is harder when they need an immediate response but in those cases I've found honesty a lot better than going along reluctantly.  Saying, "I'm so sorry, I'd love to go/help but I really can't" or "Thank you so much for thinking of me but it's really not my sort of thing" is acceptable to most people we want in our lives.  If not, it's a sorting the wheat from the chaff process and I distance myself in future.  Win/win. 

[Da****]

I took two years of training, but I never learned to say "no" to my family, unfortunately.