Week 5 formal practice: "turning towards" (formerly "Soften, Soothe, Allow")

[Tine]

This weeks theme "Working with Stress: Mindful Responding instead of Reacting" invites us to look closely at our mental, emotional and physical discomfort.

Pain of any kind (physical, or mental) is our primary experience which can cause suffering and heartache. We may have no control over the situation that caused the pain; however, when we push this away by resisting it, we generate more pain and suffering. Although all life has pain, a mindful life can be free of the additional burden of suffering.

If we can gently move towards acceptance of our pain, even a little by saying perhaps “this hurts…  can I be OK with this”? We can avoid or reduce suffering. In other words, we can gently pay attention to our experience as it is at that moment without trying to block it out or feeling overwhelmed.

I am curious about the experiences you share with the practice of "turning towards" the unpleasant. If you did this course in it's early stages it was the "Soften, Soothe, Allow" practive which is very similar so this is a good space to also share you rexperiences with it here.  Are you aware of how resistance shows up for you? Can you describe it?

 

I remember doing this exercice a lot around the feeling of unworthiness, of not being good enough. I was so afraid that if I would look into those feelings they would grow and overwhelm me, crush me. It took me lots of different attempts to finally have the strength to look at them and the closer I looked the more I realized that there was no big, no valid reason behind them, just some notion I picked up from an abusive relative. Only my fear of looking at them, investigationg them made them strong.

This has a physical componet too. As I tried to push them away, hide, ignore the feeling of not good enough I made myself small, crouched down, let the shoulders sink and when I dared to look I rose up to my normal size - nothing more than that. I don't think of myself as flawless or anything the like, but I accept myself as a lovable human with good intentions who fucks up sometimes, but now as I see myself as lovable I can also apologize more easily and make things right again. Before with the strong feeling of unworthyness a mistake did feel like I lost my right to exist now it's just that - a mistake which I make up for but which doesn't make me a bad person.

 

[KK****]

I did the first day of week 5 today.  Turning towards emotional pain.  I think I was overly prepared for some kind of tidal wave of emotions, I had a box of Kleenex on standby, but it didn’t come.  I think the critical lesson for me was changing the language from “I am” to noticing instead where the emotion was coming from.  In my case, it’s a series of emotions that surround this holiday season.   I can cry at the drop of a hat.  As for the meditation practice, I need to keep trying with it, because it went so quickly and I was really just overcome with not feeling overcome.  Really has me thinking now though.

[Bo****]

I push away feelings of shame. I can look at anxiety and fear. I can even tolerate sadness. But shame tears me apart. I hide from it. I tried to do the meditation on shame. I realized that others in that moment around the world felt shame too. It helped. Thank you

[Tine]

Negative feelings like shame hold much wisdom and the possibility for growth when we allow them to speak to us when we allow ourselves to feel them. Looking at them closely is maybe our only way to dissolve/ resolve them, but it takes strength, and we need to be brave and not every day is a day we have those available.

Be brave but also be kind to yourself.

I go through the steps of RAIN again and again. Some days the thoughts of not being good enough are still very loud but only looking them straight in the eye shows me the amount of truth they hold.

[jo****]

So, this fifth week was the most important, most meaningful to me. I've never been shy about looking at myself closely, but the idea of counterbalancing all of it, much like Tine, has been a new idea that I'm in much need of. ...phew

[wa****]

My first day for Week 5. I had pain on my neck, probably due to my head injury. Hence I was like not able to do anything, but to "enjoy" this pain. LOL.

So I came.. and left.. with nothing to share.

Then I went on to listen to this song "Wonderful life", cover by Slow Moving Millie. When I heard the chorus "..No need to run and hide.., it so wonderful, wonderful life..", my heart melted.. it sounded such a match to the Week 5 practice. I'm speechless..

You should try to listen to that cover. ?

 

 

[Wa****]

Hello! Have you ever heard of the emotion code? I would look into it! It’s all about the meridians in our body and self healing. It’s one of the most powerful healing techniques I’ve found yet. If your interested, look up Bradley Nelson’s video on The emotion code or message me for more info. Have a wonderful day! 

[CR****]

I missed a week because of a family trip, so am back on track for week 5.  At first, when I heard a lot about physical pain, I thought "I don't need this week, because I don't have a chronic illness or pain."  I then realized that this statement was somewhat judgemental, so stepped back and tried to actually concentrate on the techniques presented.  This is not just for chronic illness or pain, but for my intermittent migraines; for my feelings of inadequacy in parenting my neuroatypical child; for my feelings of helplessness at juggling mothering 3 very noisy boys and being present for them, keeping a household running while trying to gradually introduce minimalist and ecofriendly strategies, working 30 hours a week and being present for my patients, and nurturing both my spousal relationship and my own spirit's need for quiet and space and time to create.  

Thank you for this technique.  I obviously need it very much.

[Ud****]

Good morning everyone

The best thing about this last weeks practice was being told I could choose to either sit or lie down at the beginning of the meditation   I chose to lie down and did not fall asleep   progress..

Im fairly  comfortable with physical unpleasantness as I know my body is telling me something and it’s often the only invitation I take to slow down as I am usually super active and feel like I’m not doing enough when I’m not.  I’m lucky to think of housework as good exercise and take that attitude into most movement, but when I have real pain, I give my self permission to stop.  Saying that, the mind is tricky and can tell me, ‘You didn’t get enough sleep last night, you could do nothing today’, when doing nothing is not necessary.  I try to find a good balance to honour my energy.

The meditation on emotional pain was timely though.  I’ve moved home to be closer to my 94 year old grandmother who lives alone and has done for 36 years so while she needs a hand with some things, she doesn’t really want me around full time and there’s a sense of not being needed or useful.  I notice after I finish my breakfast in the sun which I enjoy so much, I immediately think, ‘Right, I should get up and do something’ and then I wonder why sitting enjoying the sun is not something?  Having a sense of purpose and what the purpose needs to be is something I’m looking at at the moment.

Coinciding with this week’s meditation was a visit from my aunt who comes to stay with my grandmother for a few days every few months and who tells me that  she is the only one who can live with and care for my grandmother and I don’t need to think that I need to be here.  Her words and actions have been a real challenge for me throughout my life and I’m really working on trying to understand what experiences have shaped her and made her the person she is today.  As I write this I’m aware of tears forming behind my eyes, of a sense of tightness in my chest and I’m taking long, deep breaths.

As I pause and look out the window at the gum trees and the backdrop of the vast blue sky I also know that I can choose to focus on something else and come back to working on compassion when I’m not feeling the emotions so strongly in my body.  That said I will get of the internet and go outside into the garden.  
 

and the journey continues .......

[wa****]

The turning toward difficult emotions made me realized that I'm having difficulties to share my good state of mind with my friends, when most had trouble understanding themselves; even for long term practitioners. This led me to keep pondering many "Why..why..and why?" for the past few days.

To me, everyone had the same starting point. The air we breath is the same, the water we drink taste the same, the light we see is the same. So what makes us so different? Everyone loves to have happiness, but yet we set to seek it quite differently.

While I was meditating today, that "Why" thing continues. Then for a moment I realized something. I realized that I'm able to accept myself as who I am, whether it's about my weakness, my bodily discomfort or my emotions. That very acceptance simply makes me COMPLETE!

I'm complete, hence I'm happy; not that I'm better than others. Cheers!!

[Ri****]

The turning toward was a little more difficult for me. I have a history of turning away.  But I found this to be educational in how I see things 

[wa****]

When dealing with difficult emotions, our ever rational mind tends to persuade ourselves that things are ok. Even if I'm able to truly accept it mentally, my body would sometimes just screamed "Nope.. I just don't like it. Feels bad on me.. It's stuck on me..". At this moment, I finds the "Soften, Soothe, Allow" exercise helps a lot to relax and re-aligns both the body and mind. Yes, this re-alignment is very important to me. It keeps the internal fighting or imbalance out, allowing me to come back to myself again.

 

[hd****]

This was the most unpleasant and difficult for me.  I need to get over the fact I am just a worthy as anyone else.

[Je****]

I loved this week.  Something about affirming to myself that it would be hard for anyone to hold allowed me to feel connected to the human experience and allow it to be just that.

[mr****]

The video by Robert Sapolsky was outstanding. I am ordering his book, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers  now.

Tough week.  Things just piled up and now I have to get back to basics. PRACTICE!

 

Mike

 

 

[mr****]

I am a therapist and have a particular interest in this.  Especially the possibilities in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training and it's cousin radical acceptance.

I ordered the book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers.  Outstanding.  BUT,... he is going to have to rewrite some stuff to include the pandemic.

 

Mike

[Tine]

On 6/25/2020 at 5:12 AM, mrperkins said:

I ordered the book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers.  Outstanding.  BUT,... he is going to have to rewrite some stuff to include the pandemic.

The pandemic add a lot of new, different and maybe also long forgotten or ignored perspective to how we look at the world.

[de****]

I can understand how this works - yes through life we will always encounter different emotions and the 'turning toward' practice can help us recognise the emotion. Yes make it softer inside. The different types of pain, guilt, grief, anger can overtake your mind and physical being and if you let your thoughts turn into a big snowball of frustration you can in fact create more unnecessary unwanted emotion. 

[Berta]

Recognizing emotions, thoughts and sensations for what they are could be called "literacy". We learn to read ourselves.

An example from my own life is that I used to believe what my mind told me, and then I would snap into blame/defence mode when I felt something unpleasant. "You made me feel bad; you are bad!" This happened either in my head or in person.

These days I get to look at the same experience like this "I feel this, you did that, I expected something else/ this is waht I am looking to archive".

Looking at it in a more nuanced way, I can take responsibility for my feelings, not blame the other person but show the interconnectedness and say what my need is. This opens the playfield for a conversation with yourself or the other person.

[ia****]

Hi, I'm getting a little lost with the course now and I thought I should check-in to clarify. I was finding the STOP informal practice last week a little difficult to ingrain into my daily life (without a specific time of day in which to do it, I often forget to do it at all). I managed this by setting alarms throughout the day to remind me to do it, if I didn't naturally come across a good moment. I always did my formal practice in an allotted time in the morning.

I'm not really sure how I'm meant to be organising myself this week or where in my day to fit in the informal practice, and I've now missed a couple of days of the formal practice, too. This is my understanding of the suggested schedule:

Formal practice (30mins-1hr in the morning for me, before beginning the day): 2 days of 'Turning Towards', then 5 days choosing whichever formal practice suits best each day.

Informal practice: Filling in the grid at the end of each day like I did with pleasant/unpleasant events calendar? Or do I also need to find a slot to repeat the 'Turning Towards' meditation at the end of the day when doing this too? Or am I meant to pause my day and do the RAIN process whenever I encounter difficulty, in place of STOP? How long is this meant to take, am I meant to use one of the guided recordings for it?

Thank you for any guidance you can provide!  Grateful this forum exists to stop me from getting totally lost and floating away!

[Tine]

Thank you for pointing this out @ias206! I read through the section, and it is quite confusing. I'll reorganize it, and I am sure the students following you will benefit from the clarity your question brought to the instructions :-) So here's the "todo list" for week 5: Turning toward

Read both "Turning toward difficult emotions" and "Turning toward physical pain" first.

Formal Practice: once a day for 6 out of 7 days in week 5:

• Day 1 and day 2: you can choose between the two versions of the Turning towards meditation, depending on what's more useful for you that day:  Turning Towards - Meditation for difficult emotions 23min or Turning Towards - Meditation for physical pain 25min 
• Day 3 - 6: you can freely choose one of the meditations you have learned so far: bodyscan, sitting meditation, or again one of the two turning towards meditations.

Informal Practice: It is a bit more formal this week. Once a day sit down and "turn towards" either a difficult emotion or physical pain with the two texts you read at the beginning as guidelines and take notes. Ideally, when a matching situation like bodily pain or a difficult emotion is occurring/ just occurred. Still, as we are training to become more aware, it is also quite common to not be mindful of them and instead be on autopilot when they occur. So it's ok to sit down and go through the steps later on. This is all part of our Practice. :-)

 

[ia****]

Thank you so much for clarifying that, Tine! I feel a lot more confident about what I'm meant to be doing now.

 

I think I'm going to attempt the week again starting today. I'll set an alarm to go through the informal practice in the evening (with the shorter recordings?) so it gets done even if I forget during the day.

[Ad****]

On 11/16/2020 at 6:32 PM, Tine said:

Thank you for pointing this out @ias206! I read through the section, and it is quite confusing. I'll reorganize it, and I am sure the students following you will benefit from the clarity your question brought to the instructions :-) So here's the "todo list" for week 5: Turning toward

Read both "Turning toward difficult emotions" and "Turning toward physical pain" first.

Formal Practice: once a day for 6 out of 7 days in week 5:

• Day 1 and day 2: you can choose between the two versions of the Turning towards meditation, depending on what's more useful for you that day:  Turning Towards - Meditation for difficult emotions 23min or Turning Towards - Meditation for physical pain 25min 
• Day 3 - 6: you can freely choose one of the meditations you have learned so far: bodyscan, sitting meditation, or again one of the two turning towards meditations.

Informal Practice: It is a bit more formal this week. Once a day sit down and "turn towards" either a difficult emotion or physical pain with the two texts you read at the beginning as guidelines and take notes. Ideally, when a matching situation like bodily pain or a difficult emotion is occurring/ just occurred. Still, as we are training to become more aware, it is also quite common to not be mindful of them and instead be on autopilot when they occur. So it's ok to sit down and go through the steps later on. This is all part of our Practice. :-)

 

Thank you @ias206 for your experience you shared, thank you Tine  for this clarifying informations! It was very helpful for me. ?

[ia****]

Just checking in so I feel like I'm still participating!

 

After missing quite a few days of informal practice and formal practice this week, I was going to re-do Week 5.

 

The prospect seemed a little daunting as I've been feeling exhausted lately. I was explaining this to a friend and I realised that Week 5 had landed on a very challenging week for me: I lost my grandfather and had to attend a socially-distanced funeral, a job offer was retracted and I started on a new medicine which only seemed to have negative effects. I also had to undergo a very uncomfortable 24hr procedure and on another day get my flu jab - both of which were physically exhausting as well as mentally exhausting, as I was deliberately going into a healthcare setting in an area where infection levels are very high after months of extreme care and isolation. I had initially thought of this week/2 weeks as providing plenty of material to 'turn towards' and examine, but I think I underestimated the effect it would have on me.

 

There have also been positive things recently. The results of my procedure mean I am closer to getting a chronic physical issue solved. And I've had another - better - job offer.

 

I think I'm going to go back to a week that felt more 'refreshing', maybe Week 2, and just try to recuperate and celebrate the victories this week. Then return to Week 5 the week after, having properly planned and set all my reminder alarms! 

 

I hope this is me taking care of myself, and not wasting an opportunity to grow.

[Tine]

@ias206 As I have seen in other posts before you have a remarkable ability to look behind the surface and see the many different aspects the whole picture consists of. Leaning back and being aware of the many influences, thoughts, events, emotions, information and not being washed away by one quick reaction/ assumption is a core practice in our mindfulness training. Also, within that multitude of good, bad and neutral choosing our response that is honest, holding ourselves accountable and treating ourselves with kindness is the expert advice only we can give ourselves.
Thank you for sharing this with us!