Am I too much?

[Br****]

I became friends and eventually gained feelings for a girl from across the world. Things became blurry between us and she shut me out as soon as she saw we were getting attached. She had told me that she thought it would be best if we stopped talking but I kept bothering her about it until she blocked me. I feel like I owe her an apology in person. I pride myself on being a good person and especially to the people I value this much. Is this absurd?

[Li****]

I'm sorry to hear how things ended between you two, but I think it's best to leave it be. I understand that you would feel better from apologising to her, but if she's told you she didn't want to continue talking and then blocked you, perhaps she doesn't need or want an apology from you. I don't know the details of your relationship - only the two of you do - but if she wants to be left alone, the best thing you can give her is probably that. 🙏

[Tine]

Hello @BradyB I hear that this is sad and disappointing.

It's also a moment to show how you want to be - not to her but to yourself.
At first glance, this might be counterintuitive, but it makes sense if we think about it. We open up the most to the people we know to respect our boundaries. So our boundaries do not fall by having them pushed aside, but by seeing them respected, and then we might take them down sometimes as we feel safe.

So the best apology might be to respect her wish and not keep disrespecting the boundary she has set.
Btw. in movies chasing after someone after they asked for space often got and still gets portrayed as the romantic thing to do, but it's not.

[wa****]

What failure here is the element for future success.. Threading the thin line between attachment and giving space to her is an art to be mastered. Being a good person is not everything, but being relax and enjoying the moment when you are threading that line is everything you would wish for!

[Br****]

14 hours ago, Tine said:

Hello @BradyB I hear that this is sad and disappointing.

It's also a moment to show how you want to be - not to her but to yourself.
At first glance, this might be counterintuitive, but it makes sense if we think about it. We open up the most to the people we know to respect our boundaries. So our boundaries do not fall by having them pushed aside, but by seeing them respected, and then we might take them down sometimes as we feel safe.

So the best apology might be to respect her wish and not keep disrespecting the boundary she has set.
Btw. in movies chasing after someone after they asked for space often got and still gets portrayed as the romantic thing to do, but it's not.

Thank you for responding Tine, I really do appreciate it. I think there’s a lot for me to take out of that response. The one thing I will say is that none of this is me trying to be romantic or keep what we had alive. I know to many it looks that way and for a lot of people in my position that honestly is probably the motive. I just genuinely feel bad for what I’ve done to someone I held so highly in my life. If there was no history of romantics between us I would still feel the way that I do. I’ve been recently becoming more comfortable with the person I am and I’m realizing that most of my happiness stems from the people that I love or look up to and when I do something that hurts them I will never be able to just get over it. Although, I am getting better at living with it. I hope all of this makes sense and I do appreciate your response so much.

[Br****]

11 hours ago, waihong said:

What failure here is the element for future success.. Threading the thin line between attachment and giving space to her is an art to be mastered. Being a good person is not everything, but being relax and enjoying the moment when you are threading that line is everything you would wish for!

Thank you waihong! I have to say that being a good person to

me is everything. I know it hurts and life is never easy on the people that think the way that I do but what allows me to sleep at night is knowing that I’m doing the best I can for myself and the people that I hold dear. With that being said, you do have a good point and I absolutely need to get better at that skill. Thank you so much

[Br****]

17 hours ago, Lizzie said:

I'm sorry to hear how things ended between you two, but I think it's best to leave it be. I understand that you would feel better from apologising to her, but if she's told you she didn't want to continue talking and then blocked you, perhaps she doesn't need or want an apology from you. I don't know the details of your relationship - only the two of you do - but if she wants to be left alone, the best thing you can give her is probably that. 🙏

Hi Lizzie! Thank you for the response. I think there is a lot of truth in that and will keep all of it in mind

[Sh****]

we all have our battles Brady. Am sorry about what happened to you but I think there must be a reason behind it. Am sure if you really liked it you could still find other means to win her heart so as you could know the secret beneath her not wanting to get attached. A true warrior never gives up Brady. Keep fighting for what's yours. 🙂

[Tine]

@BradyB It's good to read your replies, and I see that you are open to our feedback. That in itself is already a remarkable skill. Listening with an open heart is also one of the greatest gifts we can give.
Regarding being a good person, no matter how hard we try to be good and do good, there are always moments where we won't live up to that - sometimes minor, sometimes spectacularly.

Expecting never to fail might make it much harder to forgive ourselves and learn from the experience. Be kind to yourself. We are all human.
Practices for Self-Compassion or the R.A.I.N. meditation are beneficial here.

 

[Tine]

@Shorii A phrase I heard from a Zen monk that I keep thinking of is: "The only person you can truly change is yourself; for everyone else you can only hold space - It's their journey".
And when I read your reply to Brady, this is what I am thinking of.
I read the phrase "Keep fighting for what's yours" through this lens. The fight is to be the person someone else gives themselves volunteering to as a partner or as a friend for as long as they like.

We can never truly own another person, we can build up networks of dependency to keep them attached disguised as benevolence or care, but that's a different story.

[Sh****]

🙂@Tine well am not a person into books that much but I understand what Brady is passing through.  The fight am talking about is to be able to fit into the shoes of others and be able to understand what's holding them back. I think Brady didn't had the time to ask for this or may be he asked something that the girl could not give or offer at the moment. We are all in pressures. It might be from friends, families or even the life we are living. 

[Tine]

@Shorii Wise words. "We are all in pressures." That's a profound way to connect with the suffering of others. And by being aware of how it is for us to be pressured, we can motivate ourselves not to be yet another source for someone else's pressure, but a place where they experience less of it, maybe even heal. 💗

[Br****]

8 hours ago, Tine said:

@BradyB It's good to read your replies, and I see that you are open to our feedback. That in itself is already a remarkable skill. Listening with an open heart is also one of the greatest gifts we can give.
Regarding being a good person, no matter how hard we try to be good and do good, there are always moments where we won't live up to that - sometimes minor, sometimes spectacularly.

Expecting never to fail might make it much harder to forgive ourselves and learn from the experience. Be kind to yourself. We are all human.
Practices for Self-Compassion or the R.A.I.N. meditation are beneficial here.

 

I couldn’t be more thankful for your words. I’ve really been diving head first into life for the past year or so. I had invested myself into things in the past that blinded me from the realities that come with living life everyday. I’ve been learning so much about myself it’s unreal. I really do feel myself maturing mentally/emotionally and I’m looking forward to only getting better from here! I’ve always been told to love myself and to me it meant just physically (like eating healthy, exercising, etc) but recently I think Ive gotten a better grasp as to what that actually means. I never once imagined myself on a forum like this talking about my feelings but I am more than glad that I did. Thank you so so much :)

[Br****]

7 hours ago, Shorii said:

🙂@Tine well am not a person into books that much but I understand what Brady is passing through.  The fight am talking about is to be able to fit into the shoes of others and be able to understand what's holding them back. I think Brady didn't had the time to ask for this or may be he asked something that the girl could not give or offer at the moment. We are all in pressures. It might be from friends, families or even the life we are living. 

Hey Shorii! When I was posting here I felt like I already knew the direction most people would take this whole discussion and you surprised me with your comment! I will say that I am not looking to win her heart, although I am hoping to win her trust and attempt to make things right. Like others have said, I can’t do anything in my power to control others. What I can do is try my best to make it known that I am truthfully sorry and I never ever meant to push her boundaries or disrespect her in any way. I’m just stuck at the point of my words only holding so much value and I want to show her and stay true to myself about how much this all means to me. Even if all of this amounted to me apologizing to her and her accepting it but then us never talking again, I would be happy with that outcome. I don’t know my course of action but what you said will 100% stick with me no matter what. Thank you so much Shorii ❤️

[Guest User]

I get the feeling but honestly this kind of thing usually doesn't work out....i can get why she tried to avoid

[Br****]

1 hour ago, Deleted profile said:

I get the feeling but honestly this kind of thing usually doesn't work out....i can get why she tried to avoid

Please elaborate :)