How to Stop Beating Yourself Up: 7 Techniques That Work

Repetitive self-critical talk is torturous and wreaks havoc on your mental health. From quieting your inner critic to redefining failure and success, Dee Marques shares seven techniques to help you stop beating yourself up and start loving yourself – mistakes included.

 

"I can’t believe I messed that up again. Why do I always do this?"
"I should have known better. What’s wrong with me?"
"I’ll never get it right. I’m such a failure"

Does any of this negative, 'beating yourself up' talk sound familiar? Many of us have a harsh inner critic that spends a lot of time and energy replaying past mistakes and setting impossible standards.

Beating yourself up can impact your self-worth, confidence and overall mental well-being. Although our inner critic likes to think it’s acting to push ourselves to be better, constant self-criticism rarely leads to growth.

Let's explore why we mentally torture ourselves this way, how this pattern affects our lives, and how to stop beating yourself up.
 

Different ways we beat ourselves up

There are different ways we give voice to our inner critic. Self-criticism can appear as:

• Overgeneralisation "I always mess things up" or "It’s never good enough"
• Black-or-white thinking "If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless"
• Ruminating over mistakes "If only I'd said this instead"
• Catastrophising "This mistake will ruin my everything for me now"
• Constant comparison "Look how far ahead they are compared to me"
• Taking responsibility for negative outcomes "If I had tried harder, this wouldn’t have happened" or "It’s all my fault"
• Dismissing achievements and positive outcomes "Yes, but anyone could have done this, it’s not a big deal."

This type of maladaptive perfectionism has been linked to a higher chance of experiencing severe stress, anxiety, and depressive disorders, in addition to weakening our coping abilities.

Learning how to silence your inner critic is essential
 

Why do we beat ourselves up?

So, why do we do beat ourselves up and torture ourselves so with self-critical chatter? Why is it so easy to be our own worst critic? Firstly, there may be something of an evolutionary survival instinct involved. Our brains are wired to focus on threats, which can lead to the idea that “only the strongest survive”.

Upbringing and social conditioning also play a major role here. If growing up you learnt that love, self-worth, and approval were conditional on success or flawless performance, you may have internalised the belief that mistakes mean you are a failure. Studies confirm that unhealthy perfectionism is a learned behaviour passed on from parents, relatives, peers, teachers, etc.

Moreover, a world that glorifies success and perfection – especially in social media – can condition us to believe that being tough on ourselves with self-critical talk is the only way to meet ever-increasing standards. At the same time, these cultural and social pressures make us feel like we’re constantly falling behind. 
 

“Why do we do beat ourselves up? There may be an evolutionary survival instinct involved. Our brains are wired to focus on threats, which can lead to the idea that 'only the strongest survive'.”

Indeed, a recent study from the University of Bath focused on college students in the USA found that more recent generations of college students reported significantly higher levels of perfectionism compared to earlier generations. Focused on millennials graduating between 1989 and 2016, the authors found an increase in three types of perfectionist traits in the more recent graduates, ranging between 10% and 33%.

And lastly, the more we repeat these patterns, the more ingrained they become, until self-criticism feels like the only way we know how to talk to ourselves. This activates or perpetuates shame and guilt cycles, making it harder to see the pattern for what it is (a form of self-punishment) and to break free from it. This is why learning how to stop beating yourself up is so important for emotional resilience and self-worth.
 

How to stop beating yourself up: 7 ideas

The good news is, just as you learned to be self-critical, you can also reverse it by learning how to stop beating yourself up. Understanding why we fall into this negative habit is the first step. Here are seven other steps you can try.
 

1. Redefine your perception of responsibility and mistakes

People with a tendency to beat themselves up are typically highly responsible and growth-oriented. But does being responsible mean that you can’t make mistakes? This is an all-or-nothing perception that actually hurts your ability to improve and grow.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Remind yourself that you can take responsibility without going straight into shame and blame whenever you make a mistake.

Stop beating yourself up: self-criticism achieves nothing

 

2. Notice (and quiet) your inner critic

Carry a notebook or use a journaling app and write down every time you notice your inner critic speaking. This can help you separate yourself from that shadow part of your personality and be more aware of its harmful internal dialogue.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Practise detachment from self-critical internal dialogue to avoid magnifying it.

 

3. Redefine failure and success

Do you have rigid definitions of success and failure? If so, it might be time to challenge them. Sometimes, our definitions of success and failure are like a rigid container: they can’t accommodate growth, because instead of adapting and expanding, they break due to how inflexible they are.

 

“Don't beat yourself up. Instead, remind yourself that you can take responsibility without going straight into shame and blame whenever you make a mistake.”

It’s also worth taking some time to explore where do your criteria for failure and success come from. Are they really yours, or did you “inherit” them from others during your childhood? You can then come up with alternative definitions, like “success is not about perfection; it’s about progress” or “failure isn’t the end of the road; it’s a step in the ladder of growth”.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Ask yourself “What if I allowed failure to be a teacher rather than a punishment?”

 

MORE LIKE THIS:

• Perfectionism and Anxiety: 7 Ways to Cope
• Why What Other People Think of You is Really None of Your Business
• Self-Validation: 5 Ways to Develop It

 

4. Ask yourself how is this helping you

Be honest: What does beating yourself up achieve? Does self-criticism actually help you improve, or does it make you feel stuck? If this habit is not serving you and actually ruins your mood, it’s time to replace it with happier and healthier habits.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Commit to increasing the level of joy in your life.
 

5. Break the cycle of shame

Shame is deeply linked to self-criticism, and can become a toxic emotion enmeshed into a cycle of self-doubt, resentment and disappointment. Breaking this cycle starts with recognising that your worth is not defined by your perceived failures.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Stop dwelling on what went wrong and focus on how you can move forward with self-respect.
 

6. Cultivate self-forgiveness

Embracing forgiveness is essential in the process of learning how to stop beating yourself up. But sometimes, it’s easy to forget that we need to be forgiving with ourselves and not just with others. Consider creating a small ritual, like writing yourself a letter of forgiveness or simply saying out loud: I forgive myself. I am doing my best, and that is enough.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Explore different ways of practising self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness is one step towards loving yourself, warts and all!

 

7. Practise compassion and acceptance

Self-compassion doesn’t mean making excuses for yourself (in case your inner critic is saying so as you read this!). Being compassionate means treating yourself with the same kindness and patience you would offer a loved one, without making distinctions. At the same time, self-acceptance doesn’t mean giving up on growth, but rather understanding that you are worthy through the entire process of growth.

Don't beat yourself up; instead: Remember that real growth happens when we acknowledge mistakes with self-compassion instead of self-condemnation.

 

Takeaway: don't beat yourself up

If you’ve spent years being hard on yourself, this self-critical tendency won’t change overnight. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that being kind to yourself means being irresponsible or too soft. The way you speak to yourself matters, and every time you choose self-compassion over self-criticism, you take a step toward inner peace.

So, the next time your inner critic starts to take over, remind yourself that you are human, just like everyone else. And instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself: how would I treat someone I love in this situation?

There’s a lot of freedom, joy, and growth in moving away from self-criticism and self-punishment. Are you ready to experience that? ●

Images: shutterstock/PoporLing, shutterstock/DimaBerlin, shutterstock/Perfect Wave

 

Written by Dee Marques

A social sciences graduate with a keen interest in languages, communication, and personal development strategies. Dee loves exercising, being out in nature, and discovering warm and sunny places where she can escape the winter.