How BDSM can help you find self-acceptance

After growing up in a household where sex was shamed, discovering BDSM helped Sienna Saint-Cyr to find self-acceptance and enjoyment when it came to her sexual life. 

Coming to grips with being kinky when you've been raised in a religious or very conservative household isn't easy. When sex is shamed, let alone any exploration outside of missionary style intercourse, finding out even what's hot can be a challenge.

Yet most of the kinkiest people I know have come from these sorts of family and societal dynamics. Indeed, many find self-acceptance through BDSM.

So, you’re kinky, now what?

You can explore without jumping right in. One thing that helped me — though my fear of exploration came from being abused — was with reading stories and seeing if they turned me on. This meant I explored a lot of topics. Some were more dominant/submissive related, others were about rough sex, some were about bondage... then there’s fetishes… I explored many areas and found that most of them were hot for me in some way or another. Though I didn't always know why they why did appeal to me, they just did. 

“When sex is shamed, let alone any exploration outside of missionary style intercourse, finding out even what's hot can be a challenge.”

I did a lot of reading of both fiction and non-fiction books. Both are important because as I read the fiction and found it hot, a lot of it wasn't realistic. Therefore, the non-fiction came in to explain how things should really happen. It was also helpful in figuring out the 'why' portion. The books that helped me most were The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. As well as SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. For fiction, I suggest going to literotica.com, or one of the other free sites, at least in the beginning.

Experimentation and exploration

Once you've explored with reading (and/or movies) and are fairly certain that you want to know more, that’s when I suggest asking around. While some venues can offer introductory courses and demonstrations, I've personally found this avenue riskier in the beginning.

To start with, try an internet search on kink/BDSM 'munches'. Munches are for meeting people and asking questions. No actual scenes take place. Chances are, you’ll find others there that have been raised in similar environments. Once you've met some good and trustworthy people, then find a venue to watch demos.

If you take things slowly and gradually lower into kinky waters, you’re going to have an easier time adjusting and backing out if you feel overwhelmed. When we've been taught — or even brainwashed — to believe that enjoying ourselves sexually is sinful or inappropriate, we have to face our shame and guilt eventually. This is why talking to others that have been through similar situations is helpful. Because this kind of shame and guilt is nonsense and serves no purpose other than to make us feel bad.

Open minds lead to self-acceptance

Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So, try not to judge yourself. Instead, remain open to what you feel based on the things you read, discuss, and later witness or take part in. Accepting ourselves means we get to experience a level of joy free of the guilt and shame we’d walked around with previously. This isn't limited to our sexual exploration but can also apply to all areas of our lives.

“Owning who we are is beautiful, and accepting ourselves divine in its own right. So, try not to judge yourself. Instead, remain open to what you feel.”

When we accept our kinky side and find self-acceptance, it means we get to be conscious about our choices rather than have that side sneak out in non-consensual ways. We get to express ourselves without judgement, have better sex, and more fun. 

In my experience, I've found almost everyone is kinky in some way. So, be brave, explore, and experience the joy that comes with accepting and loving who you are! And always remember: listen to yourself, explore, and know that it's OK to change your mind at anytime. ●

Main image: Colourbox.com

Written by Sienna Saint-Cyr

Sienna Saint-Cyr is an author, advocate, and the founder of SinCyr Publishing. She speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on the importance of having a healthy body image, understanding enthusiastic consent, using sexuality to promote healing, navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships, having Complex PTSD, and more. Sienna loves sharing her journey of healing and finding happiness with her readers. Along with writing erotica and romance, Sienna speaks at conventions, workshops, and for private gatherings on such sex-positive topics as a healthy body image, using sexuality to promote healing, and navigating diverse or non-traditional relationships. She writes for several websites. Find out more at https://siennasaintcyr.wordpress.com/.